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I have two children, and my fatherly role is to provide for them a few life-sustaining staples and teach them some basic truths: you should generally be nice to other people, life is not always fair, holiday- and dental-themed home intruders are just myths, and baby-making starts when a Daddy persuades a Mommy (more easily after a movie featuring Ryan Gosling) to let him put his penis into her vagina.

I’m glad to be a dad right now, as opposed to being a dad about sixty years ago, when the Constitution would’ve required my children to address me as ‘Father’ while I chain-smoked Chesterfields and grumbled about “this Jackie Robinson fella and his lot.” I can’t imagine having a relationship with my kids based on that archaic sense of formality.

Now: “Daddy, can I play Angry Birds on your phone?”

Then: “Father, since it is almost my birthday, may I be the first tonight to clean myself in your tepid bathwater after you’ve soaked and farted in it?”

The Progenitor subscribes to the sentiment “Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a Dad,” only if it were worded as if a man wrote it. Perhaps: “Any dick can impregnate a woman, but it takes balls to raise your kids right.”

I would absolutely accept a gift of that phrase cross-stitched in an embroidery hoop.

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5 Comments
  1. Diane permalink

    Can’t.
    Stop.
    Laughing.

  2. Becky permalink

    Having been raised in the “Father Knows Best” and “Leave It To Beaver” era, I admit not being totally comfortable with public mention of penis’s and vagina’s, and I may even blush (only slightly) when I encounter four letter words that I have been taught to avoid as part of my pursuit of “anything virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy, or of good report,” But honestly, I had a great time here today, one post after another. I’m laughing . Out Loud. I’m at work and I’m not supposed to be laughing out loud. All my co-workers have come to see what I’m laughing about. Even our lovely very Catholic receptionist, has joined in the laughing, and I’m feeling absolved. I think I’ll stop working out my next confession and use the time to enjoy the posts I haven’t yet read. Please don’t be mad at me for saying this, but I’m proud of you. Being your mother-in-law has always inspired gratitude in my prudish heart. You are insightful, talented, and funny as hell. (Oops.) Which is just frosting on the cake, of course. Not the kind eaten out of the can while watching a sports event, but the real thing, made with cream cheese and butter in a VitaMix. But of course, the cake is the important thing. It’s inspiring that avocadoes, cabbage, and a full range of antioxidants can be hidden in a cake. Karacter Kake. Wish Ryan were here to turn that into a song.

    • God bless you our superstar , you dvesree all the best ,so talented , gentleman & so kind to everyone & you have to be sure that in our minds & eyes you are THE STAR OF ALL ARAB WORLD , THE PRINCE OF ROMANTIC SONGS & JULIO EL3ARAB .. We all will support u forever ..God bless!!

  3. I enjoy you because of your whole hard work on this website. My mom delights in doing investigations and it is easy to understand why. A lot of people notice all relating to the dynamic method you produce vital items through the web site and in addition encourage contribution from website visitors on the article then our own girl is now being taught a great deal. Take pleasure in the rest of the new year. You are always carrying out a pretty cool job

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