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9 Things A Man’s Soda Says About Him

January 20, 2012

I was stopped at a red light the other day, the first car in line. Crossing the street directly in front of me was a Hispanic man in his twenties. This is what he wore: black boots, black pants, black t-shirt, black leather jacket, black backpack, black sunglasses. His black hair was slicked back. He did not walk along the crosswalk; he sauntered. He was bad as mierda.

Now, if I told you that El Terminator was also swigging from a liter bottle of soda, and that soda immediately struck me as the most perfect choice for the image he was projecting, what would you think he was drinking?

A) Pepsi

B) Mountain Dew

C) Diet Coke

D) Fresca

Of course the answer is Mountain Dew! Because Mountain Dew says “When I build up a thirst from too much ass-kicking, I quench it with a motherf***ing Dew!” It says, “You can keep your fancy books and your fashion!” It also might say, “You ain’t a cop, are you?”

Everyone knows this.

But it got me thinking, what do other sodas say about a man? Let’s explore a few:

Coke – “I’m a traditionalist. I love America, guns, bald eagles, and car window decals of Calvin pissing on logos. Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA makes my eyeballs moist. I will shoot a bald eagle if provoked.”

Pepsi – “I also love America, but let’s not go overboard with it. I’m not sentimental; Grandpa, Princess Whiskers, and Michael Jackson had to go sometime, didn’t they? Aesthetic appeal is important to me. You’re not going to find any clusters of branches on my home’s walls posing as ‘decoration.’ It’s either tasteful wall art or the heads of things I shot.”

Diet Coke/Pepsi – “I’m secure in my masculinity. I’ll even wear a goddamn salmon-colored shirt if I want; what are you gonna do about it? Aspartame-fueled cancer cells are probably growing inside me? Sure, if you want to believe the liberal ‘medical field.’ By the way, I’m addicted to my diet beverage, and I will cut you for it.”

Dr. Pepper – “My palate is so refined that I can discern all 23 flavors in a Dr. Pepper. I find that it pairs well with a pan-seared corn dog and medley of Cool Ranch Pringles.”

Sprite – “I have a stomach ache.”

A&W – “What can I say? I’m a romantic. I love the 4th of July, neighborhood baseball games, and angry letters to the newspaper Op Ed page about immigration. My ex-wife got the house, but I kept the DVD box set of The Wonder Years. My idea of a great date involves a Ferris wheel and wine coolers.”

Fresca – “I wear skinny jeans and Toms. I have a beard. I loved The Tree of Life.”

Monster/Rockstar – “I’m an alcoholic.”

One Comment
  1. You heard that Mountain Dew can dissolve the body of a rat in a short amount of time, right? Still doesn’t keep me from drinking it.

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